ST. LOUIS, MISSOURI – The new express lane for drivers who refrain from texting while driving has failed to attract a single vehicle in the three months since its introduction to highways throughout the state.

In a bid to draw traffic, highway department officials completely eliminated the speed limit in the non-texting lane and installed billboard advertisements touting the benefits of driving at excessive speeds.

After no drivers chose to use the lane, officials experimented with a one text-per-mile limit in the new lane. The concession still failed to attract drivers.

Most recently, the state has partnered with Delta and American Airlines to provide triple airline miles for distances traveled using the express lane. Officials are optimistic that the airline miles promotion will gain traction when the state begins marketing the program to drivers via text message later this month.

In The Know: Should The Government Stop Dumping Money Into A Giant Hole?

Adorable 23-Year-Old Yelling About Economic Injustice Must Have Just Read Howard Zinn For First Time

‘I’m Going To Hell For Laughing At This Meme,’ Says Man Going To Hell For Helping Little Sister Get Abortion

IRVINE, CA – In a bold announcement certain to send ripples throughout the quick service restaurant industry, Taco Bell has pledged to serve customers in a 100% cage-free environment by the end of its 2020 fiscal year. The pledge comes on the heels of commitments by other national restaurant chains to adopt more socially responsible practices throughout supply chains and store operations.

Taco Bell spokesperson Skip Willoughby remarked, “Although caged dining has provided a consistent and loyal customer base to our corporate and franchise stores and curtailed the high levels of defection our food would otherwise produce, we are committed to adapting as the tastes of the American consumer continue to evolve.”

The fast food chain is also rumored to be considering using real corn in its corn-based meats and cheeses.

WATERLOO, ONTARIO — Amid rumors that once-dominant video rental chain Blockbuster would close all remaining 300 stores, smartphone maker BlackBerry Limited has announced plans to combine the firms in what is being lauded as the most promising merger in corporate history.

Although BlackBerry had itself been struggling to maintain financial viability and defend rapidly shrinking market share, analysts expect that the union of two once-iconic brands into “BlockBerry” will radically reform the competitive landscape of the smartphone and digital media industries.

In after-market trading, BlackBerry shares jumped almost $900 to close at a record high of $897.53, causing the company to eclipse Apple as the most valuable corporation on the planet.