All New Apple Devices Will Be Sold Exclusively To Existing Apple Devices

CUPERTINO, CA – Apple, Inc. announced today that the consumer technology company will cease marketing to humans and begin developing all new products exclusively for sale to existing Apple devices, such as the iPod, iPhone and newly released iPad.

Apple’s Senior Vice President of Industrial Design Jonathan Ive remarked,

Apple is all about experience. And we will shortly reach a point where human beings cannot experience Apple products the way they are meant to be experienced because they will lack the computational faculty.

Our new strategy will permit us to continually enhance the Apple experience by targeting it to an audience unconstrained by human biology and, above all, loyal to our brand.

The next device in Apple’s pipeline is rumored to be named the “iShield” and to be used by Apple devices to block contact from interfering humans.

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